You can have it or eat it but not both...

I often look at my life and think I am blessed.  We aren't rich but we have  more than we need. I feel blessed with the knowledge that my family is all in good health. That most of my family members live to a very ripe old age. I have one Grandma who is in her 90's and the other in her 80's...that's old in my book.

I feel blessed that through our "military life" we have been able to travel and live in 7 different states and now find ourselves making a home in England. I feel blessed that my husband has a great job and makes enough money I am able to stay home and play housewife.

I've made friends all over the world, most I've met in person and some online. I sometimes have to giggle when I think of friends I have...their ages vary so greatly, one of my favorite friends in Florida just turned 21! Can you imagine a woman my age 43 (and closing in on 44) could have a friend she adores who is 20 plus years younger than her? It doesn't always make sense and if I think about it too hard it seems weird. What could a 20 year old possibly find interesting about a geezer like me?

With travel comes new foods and cultures. Different traditions and customs...all very interesting for me. I love tasting something new and finding out it is now my FAVORITE food.  Recently we learned about a Christmas tradition here in England, "crackers."  No, not saltines!  A cracker consists of a cardboard tube wrapped in a brightly decorated twist of paper, making it resemble an oversized sweet-wrapper. The cracker is pulled by two people, and, much in the manner of a wishbone, the cracker splits unevenly. The split is accompanied by a small bang produced by the effect of friction on a chemically impregnated card strip (similar to that used in a cap gun).

In one version of the tradition the person with the larger portion of cracker empties the contents from the tube and keeps them. In another each person will have their own cracker and will keep its contents regardless of whose end they were in. Typically these contents are a coloured paper hat or crown; a small toy or other trinket and a motto, a joke or piece of trivia on a small strip of paper. Crackers are often pulled before or after Christmas dinners or at parties. Thanks Wikipedia for that description.


 However with all this moving around and experiencing new places, people and things something always has to get left behind. How simple it would be if it were just an old couch or a plant we don't have room for at the next house. But it isn't ...it's my family and friends.   They are tucked away in a safe place when we leave. In my heart,  I keep them all nicely folded away next to my most special memories and feelings.  It's a safe place but they often get restless there. When they try and push their way out it brings tears to my eyes, a lump in my throat and sharp pains inside me. Sometimes it hurts so badly it will bring me to my knees and put me into bed for days with sadness, and other times it's just a few tears while I relive a happy moment I had with one of them.

I hate that in order to have all "this" I have to give up what probably means the most to me of all...time with them, with you.  I miss out watching my Nephew grow up, hearing his first words, taking his first steps. I can't pick up the phone and call my folks over for dinner. I don't witness the slow decline of elderly relatives, instead I am hit with it all at once when I walk in the door once a year for a holiday. The grandma who used to stand tall is now hunched over using a walker. The Great Aunt whose mind was sharp as a pin now can't remember that her daughter is passed or that the glass of water she just set down on the table is hers. The cherished family friend who always made me feel like the only person in the world when they sat and talked with me is now gone.  When I fly home for a funeral I feel like I don't even have the right to be there...I wasn't there to hold their hand when they were sick maybe I don't have the right to be there when it's time to say goodbye.

It's a heavy load to haul at times.  I know my "adventures" have come at a price, I just hope and pray that those I have hurt because of it can forgive me. That decisions I've made are decisions I thought were best for my family...my daughter and my husband. It isn't easy this military life but somebody has to do it.  Of course I'd like to have my cake and eat it too, but as I have learned now, that I am an adult that isn't possible. Took me years to fully understand that statement, "You can't have your cake and eat it too."